A perfect day

 A perfect day. A perfect day for me is a day by the water—Ocean, lake, creek, river, stream. I like the water. I go to the beach a lot. My family and I pack up lots of food and sand toys and head out. I love the sun and sand. I think if I could I would walk around in a swimsuit and flip-flops all day and be on the beach. Which is something you probably would not think to hear from someone with a history of having an eating disorder. 

I never hated my body. I really love the way I look. Having an eating disorder was never about making me skinnier. It was about control and finding a way to deal with my anxiety. A very unhealthy way to deal with it. 

When I was dealing with anorexia I actually disliked my body a lot. I hated how I could see my bones through my skin and how my favorite parts of my body were gone. I am very proud of the work I put into my body and what I worked so hard on was gone. 

Because of how much I hated my beyond-skinny body, I love my current body. I love having fat on my body. And having stomach fat curl when I sit. I love having energy. I love being able to sit or lie down without pain.

I love wearing swimsuits. And lying on the beach. And I don’t care what people say about my body because it is perfectly healthy and I know things could be a lot worse.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Ew Salad

I fucking love salads. But not like a weak healthy salad. Like salad with chicken and lots of dressing. I am very particular about my salads. Like I said before, cooking is therapeutic. And making salads is a very familiar, repetitive process. It helps with the control. I like the process of washing the vegetables, drying them (cause we all know that everything needs to be dry otherwise the dressing does not stay on the veggies), cutting them, and seasoning them.  People always think salads need to be healthy. Salads can be really good and filling. I like to pair salads with pasta or pizza as a fresh crunch to my meal. If I am going to just eat a salad, I will make a Caesar salad with chicken or shrimp and then garlic bread on the side. I don’t think salad should just be vegetables. It needs something substantial. It needs some sort of carbs or protein (even vegan proteins) to really fill you up.  One of my favorite salads to make is a cucumber and tomato salad. I cut up an en...
Read more

I Never Hated Food

 I never hated food. I think a common misconception about eating disorders is that people who are affected by them hate food. But how could anyone hate food? An eating disorder is defined "as any of a range of mental conditions in which there is a persistent  disturbance  of eating behavior and  impairment  of physical or mental health." The majority of people with eating disorders don't eat or purge due to their view on what food does to them, which ultimately stems from a societal view of what pretty is. Some people fear food. They fear about what the calories or ingredients in the food will do to them. To their bodies.  I have never been afraid of food and the effect it has had on my though. Which is why for the longest time, I never thought that I was ever anorexic. I love the way I look. I'm not that toned. My stomach is not flat. But I do consider myself skinny and many people agree. During times when my anxiety is bad, I find that my appetite i...
Read more

carrot juice is a weird concept

  Carrot juice is a weird concept that I grew up drinking. Growing up my grandma took me to the Polish deli weekly. We always got fresh buns, carrot juice, pierogies, and candy. You’re probably wondering what child liked carrot juice. Let me explain. The Polish deli is filled with a lot of interesting snacks and drinks. My grandma would get us this mixed carrot juice or apple juice. They were in plastic bottles with a water bottle nozzle that could close. They had characters on them too. I remember the flavors as carrot and mango and then carrot and apple. The apple ones were apple and peach and other mixtures that I can’t quite remember. Now I know you might be thinking, Hallie that’s weird combos. However, it makes so much sense to me. I grew up with this. And don’t knock it till you try it cause it tastes super good. Another drink that we would get was Lemonade. Now it wasn’t regular Lemonade. It was fizzy. It was a lemon soda. It was almost like Sprite but a bit more tart. I re...
Read more