Food, a complicated subject

  A perfect day. A perfect day for me is a day by the water—Ocean, lake, creek, river, stream. I like the water. I go to the beach a lot. My family and I pack up lots of food and sand toys and head out. I love the sun and sand. I think if I could I would walk around in a swimsuit and flip-flops all day and be on the beach. Which is something you probably would not think to hear from someone with a history of having an eating disorder.  I never hated my body. I really love the way I look. Having an eating disorder was never about making me skinnier. It was about control and finding a way to deal with my anxiety. A very unhealthy way to deal with it.  When I was dealing with anorexia I actually disliked my body a lot. I hated how I could see my bones through my skin and how my favorite parts of my body were gone. I am very proud of the work I put into my body and what I worked so hard on was gone.  Because of how much I hated my beyond-skinny body, I love my current bo...

I fucking love salads. But not like a weak healthy salad. Like salad with chicken and lots of dressing. I am very particular about my salads. Like I said before, cooking is therapeutic. And making salads is a very familiar, repetitive process. It helps with the control. I like the process of washing the vegetables, drying them (cause we all know that everything needs to be dry otherwise the dressing does not stay on the veggies), cutting them, and seasoning them.  People always think salads need to be healthy. Salads can be really good and filling. I like to pair salads with pasta or pizza as a fresh crunch to my meal. If I am going to just eat a salad, I will make a Caesar salad with chicken or shrimp and then garlic bread on the side. I don’t think salad should just be vegetables. It needs something substantial. It needs some sort of carbs or protein (even vegan proteins) to really fill you up.  One of my favorite salads to make is a cucumber and tomato salad. I cut up an en...

  You could not pay me not to eat carbs. Carbs are a girl’s best friend, not diamonds. Bread, pasta, pizza, all amazing.  Two winter breaks ago, my nieces stayed over for a week. And I love my nieces, but trying to please an 8 and 3-year-old is hard especially when they are picky eaters. One thing they always love is pizza. And store-bought box pizza isn’t bad. They like it and it's editable. I like pizza. Most people like pizza. But box pizza is nothing like homemade pizza. On this random Friday in December, my sisters were at work and my parents were out. It was just me and my nieces. So we made pizza from scratch. I thought it would be a great experience for them to cook a little bit and feel like they had a part in making dinner.  Don't get me wrong, it was fun. They loved it. But giving up that control and letting them do things was hard. I know I could have made dinner 10x faster than they did, but I wanted to spend time with them.  They had a lot of fun making...

  I think cooking makes everything taste better. I am able to control what goes into my food. Which is a big thing with anxiety. Control.  Cooking is therapeutic for me. And when I am on campus, without a kitchen, it makes it hard to control that anxiety. It makes it hard to control what I eat and make what I want. Besides the control I have while cooking, I like the possibilities. I rarely measure while cooking or baking. And when people hear that I don’t measure, I get weird stares. I do write down my recipes and follow them, but I see the measurements as a suggestion. I always keep adding things.  Cooking has led me to a lot of comfort foods that I have latched onto. I know I will like them no matter what's going on. Throughout the next few posts or maybe many, I will be sharing foods that I make a lot. Foods that I make when I may not be craving anything and I know I like them or foods that have some meaning to them. Foods that I like to make with my family. I find th...